I need to write. I know that. And I can go on for hours in a email. But put a blank screen in front of me and say, “WRITE!” and I go blank. When I was in the Army, I started to write a story, but I didn’t get very far. I was trying to write a sort of autobiography.
I tried to write a blog about being a Christian girl in a BDSM world. ROFL. My two years of stupidity. I was peri-menopausal and horny. And STUPID. I was lucky to escape with my health and life intact.
For the last 21 years I have wasted my time. My counselor says, “No, you went through what God WANTED you to go through.
I remember begging God to tell me what he wanted me to do with my life. He was VERY quiet about it. I wasn’t praying enough or paying enough attention, I suppose, or maybe not spending enough time talking with Him, okay in prayer.
I found listening to people meaningful for decades. The result of my tests senior year of high school showed PT. I didn’t think I could handle the memorization of anatomy… I gave up before I started and studied something much more difficult. Chemistry.
Why not Psychology? At Oberlin, the reserve readings they had to do intimidated me. And I could only do chemistry under the effects of adrenaline.
So many wasted years.
And now here I am, a fucking millionaire and alone… I miss my Mom. Normally, I’d go see here in less than a month… My heart hurts.
So, I’m watching the 2004 film rendition of Phantom of the Opera, just because Gerard Butler’s character of the Phantom and I have so much in common.